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Thursday, July 19, 2007 + you won't be afraid of Fear + events of the week: back from SWOC, KR seniors' pre-camp b4 orientation. im burnt to a crisp due to 1 day worth of games at sentosa. i signed up to be a ghost for fright nite. fear me. also watched Transformers (for a second time) with Parable Project peeps. It was just as enjoyable as the first time watching. And the feeling u get from seeing fellow film appreciators, awed, laughing, inspired, that feeling is just indescribable. will be pulling an all-nighter again tonite to make sure the freshman-edition of the FASS magazine (Insomniac) is complete before matric fair. The current draft looks to be wrecking havoc on the lives of the Insom editing team. Never in my whole NUS life has the freshman-edition ever been completed without an all-nighter by the editors. We hypothesize that our predecessors of 6 years ago cursed all following generations by naming the FASS magazine "Insomniac". to all prospective parents, please name your children well. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- that nite out with the Parablers, i received a call from JCRC (hall excomm). They wanted me to direct the next hall stage production. It'll be at the massive University Cultural Centre (UCC) hall. my first reaction was fear. I stalled for time, told him i'll think about it. This is gonna be my last year in uni... did i really wanna spend it on a hot-potato of a job? i had acted in the previous production. we remember it's grandeur. The previous director's shoes will be tough to fill. I knew the jobs in management were ever more killer than my acting job. But at the same time, i loved my time in production, and i knew i may never get a chance like this... ever again. that nite on the train back, i wondered why i was so scared. Ever since i made a commitment to myself in the army, i had swore-off a normal life. i began to become increasingly self-critical in order to improve myself. I was terrified of becoming just another brick in the wall. I turned my fear into a force to propel myself to greater heights. I threw myself into dreams and projects just to prove to myself i could do them. 2004: wrote songs, saved to buy a good guitar, practiced guitar 2005: wrote songs, played guitar in gigs, joined church youth comm, joined FASS Rag, writer with FASS Insomniac Magazine, wrote to soccer forum page of New Paper. 2006: wrote plays, backstage manager at "Storm in a Fishbowl", editor with Insomniac n kicked-off 1st ever FASS Insomniac online magazine, joined FASS Orientation-week comm. Elected as History Society Publications Director. wormed my way into Kent Rigde Hall, joined KRX drama team, joined KR sports writers, joined KR original music writers, fought towards getting a youth service for church, attended META camp 2007: youth service successfully started, joined Campus Crusade, sports writing during Inter-Hall Games, acted in hall production, wrote song n played it in hall AIX, recorded 1st-ever podcast for Insom Online, producer for 1st ever inter-hall dramafest.... then... BURNOUT I realized the Fear that drove me forward was insatiable. Nothing i did was ever enough. Nothing gave me peace of mind. The worst fear of all was that someone would expose me for the fraud i really am. That i was driven by nightmares instead of dreams. the most haunting question: will doing all this get people to love me? There. I've said it. I've exposed myself. I beat anyone else to it. heh. suck on that, Fear. holidays: joined The Parable Project (TPP). I guess i too was searching for God, wondering if there was any meaning in the way i had lived since the day the fucked-up army released me. After God spoke to me in (TPP), i prayed that i'll conquer the Fear that had become such a close partner in my life. I wanted Jesus to take the wheel and steer. Fear has had it for too long. God answered my prayer in style. My insecurities burnt to ashes. I never ever had such a restful holiday. Then the call came. Suddenly i didn't have the driving force to say "yes". I wrestled with the question. I wanted to slack in my new-found assurance. I prayed all the way on the train. I poured myself out to God. To which His simple reply was "What are you afraid of?" Every time i argued why it'll be a bad idea, i got the same reply. "What are you afraid of?" Every time my arguments were rebuffed, i felt more courageous. By the time my prayer ended, i was dead certain i wanted to do it. If Jesus is in charge, why should i be afraid? There was nothing there that could scare me anymore. I called back to say i wanted to be Director. Perhaps... it was God's plan that i had expanded my skills... to prepare me for a time such as this... But now, He wants me to be powered by dreams instead of nightmares. Thank God. How will i ever express it better? raises wine glass ian wong beats around the bush@ 1:39 PM Comments: Post a Comment

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Thursday, July 19, 2007

+ you won't be afraid of Fear +

events of the week:

back from SWOC, KR seniors' pre-camp b4 orientation. im burnt to a crisp due to 1 day worth of games at sentosa. i signed up to be a ghost for fright nite. fear me.

also watched Transformers (for a second time) with Parable Project peeps. It was just as enjoyable as the first time watching. And the feeling u get from seeing fellow film appreciators, awed, laughing, inspired, that feeling is just indescribable.

will be pulling an all-nighter again tonite to make sure the freshman-edition of the FASS magazine (Insomniac) is complete before matric fair. The current draft looks to be wrecking havoc on the lives of the Insom editing team. Never in my whole NUS life has the freshman-edition ever been completed without an all-nighter by the editors. We hypothesize that our predecessors of 6 years ago cursed all following generations by naming the FASS magazine "Insomniac". to all prospective parents, please name your children well.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

that nite out with the Parablers, i received a call from JCRC (hall excomm). They wanted me to direct the next hall stage production. It'll be at the massive University Cultural Centre (UCC) hall.

my first reaction was fear. I stalled for time, told him i'll think about it. This is gonna be my last year in uni... did i really wanna spend it on a hot-potato of a job? i had acted in the previous production. we remember it's grandeur. The previous director's shoes will be tough to fill. I knew the jobs in management were ever more killer than my acting job. But at the same time, i loved my time in production, and i knew i may never get a chance like this... ever again.

that nite on the train back, i wondered why i was so scared. Ever since i made a commitment to myself in the army, i had swore-off a normal life. i began to become increasingly self-critical in order to improve myself. I was terrified of becoming just another brick in the wall. I turned my fear into a force to propel myself to greater heights. I threw myself into dreams and projects just to prove to myself i could do them.

2004: wrote songs, saved to buy a good guitar, practiced guitar

2005: wrote songs, played guitar in gigs, joined church youth comm, joined FASS Rag, writer with FASS Insomniac Magazine, wrote to soccer forum page of New Paper.

2006: wrote plays, backstage manager at "Storm in a Fishbowl", editor with Insomniac n kicked-off 1st ever FASS Insomniac online magazine, joined FASS Orientation-week comm. Elected as History Society Publications Director. wormed my way into Kent Rigde Hall, joined KRX drama team, joined KR sports writers, joined KR original music writers, fought towards getting a youth service for church, attended META camp

2007: youth service successfully started, joined Campus Crusade, sports writing during Inter-Hall Games, acted in hall production, wrote song n played it in hall AIX, recorded 1st-ever podcast for Insom Online, producer for 1st ever inter-hall dramafest.... then... BURNOUT

I realized the Fear that drove me forward was insatiable. Nothing i did was ever enough. Nothing gave me peace of mind. The worst fear of all was that someone would expose me for the fraud i really am. That i was driven by nightmares instead of dreams.

the most haunting question: will doing all this get people to love me?

There. I've said it. I've exposed myself. I beat anyone else to it. heh. suck on that, Fear.

holidays: joined The Parable Project (TPP). I guess i too was searching for God, wondering if there was any meaning in the way i had lived since the day the fucked-up army released me.
After God spoke to me in (TPP), i prayed that i'll conquer the Fear that had become such a close partner in my life. I wanted Jesus to take the wheel and steer. Fear has had it for too long.

God answered my prayer in style. My insecurities burnt to ashes. I never ever had such a restful holiday. Then the call came. Suddenly i didn't have the driving force to say "yes". I wrestled with the question. I wanted to slack in my new-found assurance. I prayed all the way on the train. I poured myself out to God. To which His simple reply was
"What are you afraid of?"

Every time i argued why it'll be a bad idea, i got the same reply. "What are you afraid of?" Every time my arguments were rebuffed, i felt more courageous. By the time my prayer ended, i was dead certain i wanted to do it. If Jesus is in charge, why should i be afraid? There was nothing there that could scare me anymore. I called back to say i wanted to be Director.

Perhaps... it was God's plan that i had expanded my skills... to prepare me for a time such as this... But now, He wants me to be powered by dreams instead of nightmares.

Thank God. How will i ever express it better? *raises wine glass*

ian wong beats around the bush@ 1:39 PM

Comments: Post a Comment

What we do in life, echoes in eternity